Stand Up For Yourself

Stand up for yourself. If you don't, no one else will. This has been my mantra the last couple weeks. It rings true for many situations and seasons of life. It's something I have to remind myself as it's still not second nature. In fact, I have quite the history of doing the opposite.

When I was in elementary school, I was severely shy. I didn't actively make friends. Someone would walk up to me, ask if I wanted to play fill-in-the-blank game, and I would gladly follow their lead. I was well liked as I was nice and didn't stir up trouble, but nobody really knew who I was. I would give up parts of myself to make friendships work. My friend's interests would become my interests, their friends would become my friends, and I would continue this way for a while. But these friendships didn't last forever, they hardly ever do at that age. At some point though I would be angry in silence that my friend wouldn't ask my opinion. I would withdraw and plot my escape. My own identity would be gnawing away at me from the inside, desperate to see the light of day. Instead of letting my true self out, I would simply disagree with my friend about something insignificant and then use that as an excuse to end the friendship. I was still locked away, thinking that being a chameleon was better than being vulnerable.

In middle school, I happened to make friends with a girl who started changing this unhealthy pattern. She would go to painstakingly thorough measures to ask me what I liked, what I wanted, and how I felt. There were a lot of silences to wade through, but she didn't mind. She would just wait for me to respond, no matter how long it took. She was so sure of herself and just kind to her core. She was my first friend advocate. My identity had been so out of focus, but the blur turned to clarity as I made more and more decisions from what we were going to watch on TV together to what I wanted to talk about. No longer could I hide behind my usual response of "whatever you want." She read so many books and had so many more lining her bookshelves, waiting for their turn. I think this played a huge part in her own self-actualization. I still don't know if she understands what she did for me because unfortunately we fell out of touch in high school and college. There was no fight that ended our friendship. The time we spent together just decreased gradually as we went to different high schools. But still her encouragement was water to a once wilted flower. I had been depriving myself of self-actualization because I just hadn't developed the skills to speak up for myself and voice my opinions. My friend helped me know certain things about myself that were hard to articulate at one time. It became easier to make connections with others because I knew myself a whole lot better.

In high school I relapsed on the on friend front. I had joined the basketball team and started hanging out with one of my teammates pretty often. I ignored my instincts about her and let her control my time for almost 3 years. She constantly compared herself to others and as a result, she was deeply unhappy. She was insecure, demanding, and loved to guilt trip me if she didn't get her way. I had lost myself again. My petals fell off one my one. One day senior year I decided enough was enough and I dumped this toxic friend. She was not happy about this, of course, but I felt such relief when I plugged the leak of her insecurities and jealousy so that they could no longer seep into my life. There was someone else who helped me realize that I was amazing and that my time was precious.

I've made some mom friends within the last few months, too. During the pandemic this has proven to be a bit of a challenge, but I cannot recommend the Peanut app enough. It's like Tinder, but for mom friends. I have met the most honest, nonjudgmental, hilarious moms and we've started a group. I've gained so much confidence as a new mom from these women. We've all come to the conclusion that there is no one right way to raise a child, just the way that works for you and your family.